One step forward and one hundred back. Back to my heart breaking. Back to the loneliness. Back to a yearning for something that everyone else seems to find except me.

My dad just walked up three stairs!

I have been taking some time out every night before bed, listening to meditation music, and praying. I have a list of what I pray for. My new thing this week is “thank God for 3 things every day.” It’s really opening my eyes and calming my heart. I’m not all the way there… but it’s a step in the right direction.

I don’t think I am meant to live this life. I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling.. But I think I am honest to God, a mistake. A real, human mistake.

I live near the Kenova Pumpkin House. I really wish I had a lovely gentleman to go with me. I want to experience that. I want to feel it in my bones. Two people falling in love. Going to see the pumpkins. It’s as simple and complicated as it sounds.

A change is gonna come my way soon. And by change, I mean haircut.

now I lay here
broken heart
and blistered feet
as you’re spinning ‘round my mind 

I’m not meant for this. 

If I can’t love, worship, and live for God like a Christian should, then I don’t want to be one at all.